Inner Resistance - Daring to Love Myself

The Occupy Love movie project has me thinking on many things in my own heart. As it should, I suppose. Yet, another comment made to me last night also has me searching my heart deeply, and not just about the subject being discussed. The main thrust of it was anger.

Anger at Christianity was mentioned, specifically. I really had thought myself cleared of most of my anger towards Christianity years ago, and while that may be true, but there is still enough present to be noticed by a friend. This made me sad – I don't want to be angry at a whole religion. I tried to comfort myself with the fact that I study and enjoy Gnosticism, am a fan of Kahlil Gibran, and remain peaceful with any Christian I meet, if that person doesn't attempt to convert me. I've since had Christian friends since leaving their faith. But none of this means that I am free from anger, or don't harbor grudges in my heart. This is eating my heart, even if it's slowly. It does not serve me, or anyone else.

How do you let go of anger? How do you purge all the hurt that has been done to you?

I was hurt, and hurt deeply, by the Christian private school I attended in my teen years, by the Baptist theology that was popular there, and by the regular teenaged cruelty cast upon me. Somehow, it was worse when coupled with Southern Baptist worm theology. Not only was I an uncool, unattractive geek, I was also an undeserving sinner and a filthy beggar for God's love, and I was damn lucky to get it, after grovelling and hating myself to my peers' approval.

Is it any surprise to anyone that this left emotional scars and self-destructive habits?

I also get angry at injustice, at the hatred and ignorance of others, at the government, at so many things - and while this is reasonable, even justified, it's not very helpful. Anger is a kind of violence, and I do believe violence begets violence. I want to change my world around me, but I must learn to respond, not react. Reacting only causes others to want to react. There is no understanding there, and Love is pushed out. I want to fight, to make a better world, but I want it to be in Love. Jesus was right, the real revolutionary act is to love your enemies - though I do not believe it to be in the passive, door-mat way I was taught. That was just a way to create a slave. It must be an active love, a love that says "you are just like me, let us both treat each other as humans, this is what we both need and want."

I can't hang on to the anger. It only hurts me, no matter if it is justified. I am eating my own heart, and Bast is never pleased with that. If I want to do senut every day physical purity allows, I must also purify my mind and heart. Anger gets in the way of that. It begets depression in me, and a host of other mental problems.

I must start an internal revolution. That must come first, before I can even attempt to be a part of the outward revolution. I feel the revolution towards Love out there, and I desperately want to be a part of it, to run laughing through all that energy like a kid through sprinklers. But that's only half of how it works. I have to grow Love in my own heart. Anger and Fear are blocking that.

I see a lot of weeping in my future. I will embrace it, with the laughter and the light and the dark. I will love the dark until it glows. Netjer give me courage to do so.

With Love and Hope,
QefatHethert

Changes, Wonderful, Hopeful, Terrifying.

I didn't want to move here to Florida. I avoided this possibility until nearly the last moment. I was in a toxic, codependent situation that was killing me. I was too close to it, and I didn't see it.

I'm seeing so much more now, and it really is like the elephant in the room. I wonder how the fuck I missed it.

I've been doing much better at getting shrine time in, since I now have a clean and quiet space to do so. And if nothing else is perfectly clear now, it's that my spiritual Mother and beloveds do care, love me, and that all of this, even the mess and the pain and the horror of looking back at what I was doing to myself, is on purpose. I'm meant to be here. It's not my favorite place, but it has the Gulf to wash me, it has sunshine, I have a clean bed, space to breathe, and a much clearer head and open ears and heart, so I may hear and feel my Gods.

Hethert tells me to love myself, and no longer seek to destroy myself. Bast-Mut orders me to stop eating my heart. Set tells me I will survive all of this, and be more brilliant and strong for it. All want me more pure. Want me happier and stronger.

Hethert also won't let love die within my heart. Every day I can be in shrine, I can't express my thanks enough for what She has done for me - and who She has placed in my path.

It's also the year of Ptah, the builder. But nothing can be built if there is rubble in the way. This is all clearing away of that rubble, what no longer serves me. Maybe it never did, but it's on the way out now. It will still take work. I won't always feel great or victorious about it, I'll have days where I'm dusty and sweaty and want to give up. But I won't. I have powerful Gods on my side, a wonderful faith community in the House of Netjer, and good friends. I'll make this happen.

Netjer amazes me.

NEKHTET! RPD Rush!

I'm very "OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG AWESOME! SOOOOOO AWESOME!" right now. I'm afraid I must post here, or explode, but I can't do much coherent posting.

I underwent the rite of parent divination (RPD) just now, and I have a seemingly endless grin on my face and a heart that feels like it will explode.
First was the Akhu (ancestor) divination, which was very encouraging, and had lots I needed to hear. Second was what the rite is named for, who's my Parent(s) - in this case, my Momma! Hethert-Sekhmet! Hemet (AUS) said this probably didn't come as a surprise, and, really, it didn't at all! It was just so wonderful to hear someone else acknowledge what my soul knew! Beloveds came next - Bast-Mut and Set. Neither are much of a shock either, and the instant I was told all the Names in my lineup, I felt like bursting with joy!

All my fears died in that moment. I might have doubts in the future about "organized religion", but this family is mine now. I'm so happy! This path isn't restricting me, it's letting me bloom like a lotus. I immediately agreed to accept shemsuhood. I expect to be named at the end of the month.

Nekhtet! Dua Hethert-Sekhmet! Dua Bast-Mut! Dua Set!