Update on Veiling

So it's been a few months since I started my experiment with covering my head. I also took a couple of weeks off from it, to see the difference. Also, it was too hot down here in Florida for a while. I've learned a good bit since I started.

• I like how I look. I love experimenting with scarves and ways of tying them, and I find it actually more versatile than what I can do with my hair. My hair can't hold a curl, it slips out of clips and ties, it generally drives me batty. With a scarf, I can forget about it, and still feel pretty and feminine. 
• It's not about modesty. Not that I dress in a terribly revealing fashion anyway - I never have, I tend towards long skirts and loose, flowing clothing because I like it. But I find nothing contradictory about wearing a tank top with my head scarf. And I got my nose pierced recently. All of this fits with me. 
• I don't cover for senut. Hethert told me absolutely NOT. I went to shrine with a bandana on once, and She did not want. I cover in public, and shrine time is not public. She made that clear - but also acknowledged that covering in public was an extremely good idea for me. Good to hear that Mom approves of this, and great that She outlined when it is appropriate for me to cover. It was an enlightening senut, for sure.
• Along with the public idea, it does seem to help me "filter out" the outside world, keep disruptive energy to a minimum, and keep my own energy contained. This helps immensely with my anxiety, and I noticed a huge difference in the time I didn't cover in public. I wasn't as comfortable, I felt almost naked. 
• However, I did notice that some people treated me suspiciously when I was veiled. I never wore anything as extensive as hijab-style in public, but being the Florida panhandle, I was stared at, and some people kept their distance. Also why I stopped covering in public for a spell, I was looking for a job. This was horribly stressful, since I had no "shield", and looking for work. But the "shield" made employers suspicious. Conundrum. I was also asked to take my scarf off when I had to renew my driver's license, and the woman in the probate office was nervous of me. I was not comfortable at all with it off, but removed it anyway. I'm not up for that fight, or explaining. Or claiming an Abrahamic faith as an easy justification. That would be more uncomfortable for me.

• My friends and current lover all are incredibly supportive and kind. And complementary! Apparently, I'm someone who looks good in a headscarf (I got the "gypsy" comparison, which made me very very happy), and it's not just me that thinks so. I was even complemented on my scarf by a lady who works in a clothing store, while I was shopping. She helped me pick out new scarves on sale, and said she wished she could "pull it off." I hope to find more accepting people after I move. 

 So, I've decided to continue covering in public. It helps me in many ways, and I do feel set apart from the rest of the world with it on. Not that I'm better than them, or less, just different. I would still be different without it, but I like the outward display of it. There was a time when I thought I'd never do something this "conservative" spiritually, but this feels like a part of growing up. I'm happy with it.  

Here's front and back images of me, with my favorite scarf (at the moment, anyway - it's cotton, and I love the colors) in my favorite style. The back is fuzzy, I know, but you try taking a picture of the back of your head.

Thank You Mother, Thank You!

Hethert is definitely moving in my life. I'm actually looking to get out of here.

I'm not giving up. I was so close, and now it's all changed. A phone call that lasted until the sun rose, like I was young again. I don't even want to sleep, I feel so alive. More than I have in years, even in New Orleans! How has this happened?

I just know it's glorious. That love renews hope. That I will thank my Mother in shrine this morning, before I make errands. That, at the least, I have a new and dear friend, someone Hethert has placed in my path.

Because She always wants me to have love.



<3 Qefathethert

Struggles, and What I Have

More down time. Feel I've lost someone dear to impatience and other things. Sometimes I feel like too much is going on.

Then Mom Hethert throws messages through music at me, and it helps. It heals.

I still have a lot to learn, heal from, and do, but it's good to know that I have a faith family and gods that have my back. I love you all.

And will try to remember this:

Slow down
From a thread of sky
To the warp and weft of your being
You’re beautiful graceful, like no other, pretty dammed good as you are

All's fair...?

I am changing again. Of course, this is a good thing, ultimately. Being static is a kind of death. I wonder if there is anything concrete in my life, really.

Of course, I'm scared. My previous post hinted at things I only felt comfortable being super vague and slightly poetic about. At the time, anyway. I don't have many solid thoughts about it.

What I am pretty sure of, is that there will be a burning away of many false ideas I had about myself - things that my accepted thoughts conflicted with, but I didn't have the guts to face. But I shouldn't have been surprised, in the end.

Main thing, I believe I might be polyamorous. If you have no fucking idea what that is, see Zabet's other blog and her explanation and know you're not the only one confused.

In fact, I vaguely knew about people that did this sort of thing, but didn't know the word - and didn't think I could "handle" it. I kind of have had it slapped in my face by crazy circumstance, and have had to face some of my main fears about it. I'm still utterly confused, but ready to admit - this very well might be who I am. How I approach love. Which is frightening as FUCK, but amazing at the same time.

This is all subject to change too. On my terms. Whatever those are.

Yeah, thanks Hethert, I am your daughter, alright.

Mon coeur, heart, ib, corazon....

I try to close myself off after heartbreaks. Or at least install security defenses with passwords to get through. I feel smaller, but safer. But that's no way to live. Not really. And not for me.

I burn with passion sometimes. I cry when simply overwhelmed, whether by fear, pain, or joy. I wear my heart on my sleeve. And then I try not to.

The gods laugh, and throw people in my way to tear me wide open again. I don't think this is a bad thing.

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
~Kahlil Gibran

It's all very scary, and healing is hard, but maybe fire can cleanse me.



Senebty, Qefat

Thank You

I dedicate this to my Mother, Hethert. And to many people in my life, even the ones that hurt me.

A heart that hurts is a heart that works

Yes, music is the currency of my spirit and emotions (Thanks Momma Hethert!). I've been angsty and angry again, but it seems even the darker music I love can offer bits of light. And I'm very thankful for this song right now.



Also I wonder sometimes if I could be any more of a romantic. Then I almost explode from it. Maybe that's for another post, though.

Happy Return!

Today is the Return of the Eye of Ra, meaning Hethert-Sekhmet, my spiritual Mother. I had a lovely festive chat with my Kemetic family, and have been listening to great music.

This is when we celebrate not only the strengthening of the sun (that strength is the Eye of Ra), but our lovely Mistress of Joy returning to Kemet, after running off very angry. It's also when many families across the world, in many faiths, come together to be with their families, often traveling huge distances. That is their warmth and joy.

We were given homework by Mother - 1. Do something that makes someone else smile between now and Moomas (sunday: I'll post a blog about that if I get a chance). 2. Do something that makes you smile.

Well, this video made me smile and cry a little. Maybe someone else will enjoy it too. I think I'll ultimately do something in person with someone, if I can.

Blessed Solstice, Happy Return, Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah!

Changes, Wonderful, Hopeful, Terrifying.

I didn't want to move here to Florida. I avoided this possibility until nearly the last moment. I was in a toxic, codependent situation that was killing me. I was too close to it, and I didn't see it.

I'm seeing so much more now, and it really is like the elephant in the room. I wonder how the fuck I missed it.

I've been doing much better at getting shrine time in, since I now have a clean and quiet space to do so. And if nothing else is perfectly clear now, it's that my spiritual Mother and beloveds do care, love me, and that all of this, even the mess and the pain and the horror of looking back at what I was doing to myself, is on purpose. I'm meant to be here. It's not my favorite place, but it has the Gulf to wash me, it has sunshine, I have a clean bed, space to breathe, and a much clearer head and open ears and heart, so I may hear and feel my Gods.

Hethert tells me to love myself, and no longer seek to destroy myself. Bast-Mut orders me to stop eating my heart. Set tells me I will survive all of this, and be more brilliant and strong for it. All want me more pure. Want me happier and stronger.

Hethert also won't let love die within my heart. Every day I can be in shrine, I can't express my thanks enough for what She has done for me - and who She has placed in my path.

It's also the year of Ptah, the builder. But nothing can be built if there is rubble in the way. This is all clearing away of that rubble, what no longer serves me. Maybe it never did, but it's on the way out now. It will still take work. I won't always feel great or victorious about it, I'll have days where I'm dusty and sweaty and want to give up. But I won't. I have powerful Gods on my side, a wonderful faith community in the House of Netjer, and good friends. I'll make this happen.

Netjer amazes me.

Another night.

My own personal darkness again. Sometimes things look so very black. Friends can help, which is lovely and nice. And I love you all, really.

But this song keeps saving my life. It popped up on Pandora and opened a vault of grateful tears.



I'm pretty sure Mom Hethert has something to do with it.

I'm down, but it seems, I'm not out yet.

From my neglected diary

Written in front of my shrine.

There is so much for
You to do

IN LOVE

remember LOVE

I LOVE YOU QEFAT

Ok, one more...

I've said before that Florence Welch puts me in the mind of worshiping Hethert.

This song would fit in with any ecstatic worship. Rock concerts can do that, but this, I feel is special. I adore this video.

More Music and Momma

I'm meditating more on my spiritual Mother - and I got a request to hear Bjork. This song in particular.

It brought me to tears. Good ones.

Dua Hethert!

I have made my vows as a shemsut, and have received a new name! I am now Qefathethert (keh-FA-het-HAIRT), which means "Hethert's Fame." *jazz hands! xD*

Great big nekhtet! And hugs and kisses to my Momma, the Nisut (AUS!), and all of my brothers and sisters in Netjer who were there!

This brings a whole new dimension into my devotions and meditations. Now I have a whole new name of my own to ponder and talk with Momma about. This makes me very happy!

*runs off to get the giggles out*

NEKHTET! RPD Rush!

I'm very "OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG AWESOME! SOOOOOO AWESOME!" right now. I'm afraid I must post here, or explode, but I can't do much coherent posting.

I underwent the rite of parent divination (RPD) just now, and I have a seemingly endless grin on my face and a heart that feels like it will explode.
First was the Akhu (ancestor) divination, which was very encouraging, and had lots I needed to hear. Second was what the rite is named for, who's my Parent(s) - in this case, my Momma! Hethert-Sekhmet! Hemet (AUS) said this probably didn't come as a surprise, and, really, it didn't at all! It was just so wonderful to hear someone else acknowledge what my soul knew! Beloveds came next - Bast-Mut and Set. Neither are much of a shock either, and the instant I was told all the Names in my lineup, I felt like bursting with joy!

All my fears died in that moment. I might have doubts in the future about "organized religion", but this family is mine now. I'm so happy! This path isn't restricting me, it's letting me bloom like a lotus. I immediately agreed to accept shemsuhood. I expect to be named at the end of the month.

Nekhtet! Dua Hethert-Sekhmet! Dua Bast-Mut! Dua Set!

Music! Always Music! Raise it up!

Ok, so I love discovering new music. Good music, anyway. And thanks to Stephen Colbert, I found out about Florence & the Machine. Wow. Bombastic, pure emotion pouring out of Ms. Florence Welch in her voice, her movements onstage - makes me really think of Hethert. Yes, I'm sure She loves all music, but just look at that picture (stick of bells, not "authentic" but makes me think of a sistrum), then find some of the music to listen to.

Also, I'll admit, I'm thinking of my impending RPD. I try to be a "clean slate" mentally, but then I'm just watching my nightly comedy/news, and I'm hit with this amazing woman. And the urge to dance, and I feel a mental "giggle" in the back of my head. Kind of like "yeah, you know, silly."

Ok, and here's a video for ease of checking out this amazing woman + group. Also, I love geeking over this stuff.

Am I done wandering?

Djehuty & Shu lure Hethert back from the desert

 

Would I really reject a religion that has been a joy to me these past months, based on a divination I didn't agree with? Seems childish. Yet as time passes, I'm so very convinced that Hethert in my mom. It feels like a conviction, and in the face of the caveats to not expect X netjer to even show up in the lineup, I can't shake it.
I left christianity for many reasons, but one of them that stuck with me was my dislike for authoritarian religions. For years, I never even considered letting anyone tell me who to worship, how to pray, what rituals or rites are "correct." I was often disdainful of the thought that anyone knew anything more or better about the Divine than myself. Why should I let anyone get in the way?

I seem to be changing my mind. A little. I still fully believe (and know) that I can have a direct experience with the Divine without any organization or clergy being involved. What I am learning, however, is that organizations don't have to "get in the way." In Kemetic Orthodoxy, I've found a very helpful community.
 While they don't deny the UPG and experiences of anyone, they are always available to add their wisdom, their own experience and teachings, and a structure on which to build more meaningful relationships.


I'm still nervous about my RPD, nervous that I will lose my independent spirit to an orthodoxy (that word seriously gave me the shivers when I first read it connected to my beloved Kemet), but it is waning. I think there will always be that free, rebellious part of me - yet I'm finding that having a framework for practice and belief is helping me at this point, and not hindering me. And that's the most important part, isn't it?

Would I leave if Hethert didn't show up in my lineup? I don't know. I know that it wouldn't stop me from being devoted to Her. It might be something to learn from (but I think every RPD should be a learning experience, if I understand it correctly). I have high hopes for my experience within KO, so I shall have to see what will happen.

I am excited, however.

Totally new territory

Ok, so I haven't posted in a stupid long time, but a lot of personal problems have beat me over the head. So I shall try to soldier on from here on out.

Latest personal spiritual news: I have become a remetj in Kemetic Orthodoxy (KO). I have also witnessed a naming ceremony, and both have left me quite excited about growing in this faith. I'm considering my rite of parent divination (RPD), which brings up all kinds of questions, fears, hopes, and squiggly feelings in my head and stomach. I have read about "RPD anxiety", and now I know what they mean.

I came back around to KO because of a very moving and strong interaction with Hethert. I have also had many more interactions with Her since then, though She did wander a bit for a time (She is the "Wandering Goddess"). I have never doubted that She loves me, and in meditation, more than once, She has hinted that She is indeed my Mother.

I have not only been warned about presuming a netjer is my parent before the divination, I am also personally aware/worried that I could just be indulging wishful thinking, or "making it up" subconsciously. The monkey wrench in the whole process is that Set has shown up, and given similar hints as to Him being my Father - which is not something I would think I would guess or hope for. He's still rather alien to me. I've interacted with him, but the experiences have all been rather - well, reserved and/or stern. Not intimate and obviously loving like Hethert.
 
I have also been told that plenty of people have "known" who their Parent(s) is(were) before the RPD, so I could be right - but I've also heard stories where people have either had no clue, or were convinced it was X, and it turned out to be Q.

This is such new territory for me, because not only have I never had someone else tell me who my gods are, but this is the first organized religion I've ever taken part in. But I'm excited. Nervous, still, but excited. I have had certain fears assuaged, such as no one would ever stop me from having a relationship with Hethert or any netjeru, whatever my RPD lineup happened to be, as well as observing the rather heterodox practices and beliefs of the members. Some things are very much "by the book", as it were, but personal devotion is pretty open.

Also, I can still practice any religion besides KO I wish - which is good, because I don't think Erzulie Dantor would ever let me go! xD And it appears that Vodou and KO work well together, seeing as the Nisut (AUS) is also a Mambo. There are also many members that practice various other devotions next to KO, so that's not a worry.

Going back to the "RPD anxiety", right now, I just don't see anyone being my Mom other than Hethert. As i wrote before, when I first opened myself to all of Netjer, She charged in, with a huge "FINALLY! Baby, you're home!" And, generally, the guides into KO are Bast and Wepwawet.

So, I guess I'll see.

A Strange and Shaking Encounter

I haven't posted in a while, because my computer died, and then I felt decidedly uninspired. Still kind of am, but I will share an experience I wrote about shortly after the computer was working again.

Short preface: I'm very interested lately in Kemetic Orthodoxy. You can read about it here. They also have message boards, and I learned how to set up a shrine (as if I don't have enough) to Netjer. So I did so, and this is what happened, and what I related to the good people on those boards.

If this comes out muddled, I'm sorry. I'm still buzzing and crying a little - but good tears.
I finally gathered the will and guts to make a little makeshift shrine as described on these boards to simply sit and talk to any netjeru wanted to speak to me. I have a Ma'at statue, so that served, as well as a tealight, incense, and a large shell to hold an offering of water (when I don't know what to give, water has always been my safe bet).
As soon as I began giving thanks, and going "who's out there?" I got an instant impression of a sistrum, laughter, a red dress and perfume, and the feeling of "Finally! Girl, I've been here all along, and I love you so much!" Then I felt that love, and I had to cry, it was too much. I vaguely remember whispering "Mother", and feeling like I was crying on Hethert's shoulder.
I also "heard" Her say "I want you to laugh, love yourself, stop burying your joy in grief. And you don't dance anymore. Please dance. Dance is Love, and Love is Dance."
I then put on Enigma, "Gravity of Love" and danced for Her. Then I prostrated myself before the shrine and cried more - but I felt like a comforting hand was stroking my back.
And Love. Such glowing Love.

So, yes. Reading it again gives me hope and a little light. I'm also involved in another board for ex-christians, but part of the atheist contingent got very...insensitive. Maybe it's the dark of the Moon getting to me, but I don't think I can deal with them right now. I might just sit in front of my shrine for a while until I feel something better and more inspiring. Or just climb in bed with my boyfriend, since it's so very cold.

I hope to find this blog again in a better mood. Maybe I'll read the experience I had a few times more.

Senebty.