Hard to Believe

Seems as soon as it started, it's over and gone. Covered in Light is no more. The controversy became too much for the sisters involved.

It's understandable. When women who claim to be feminists sit there and tell other women they can't wear a piece of cloth on their heads, it must be stressful. When one is accused of supporting forced veiling, betraying women, betraying their gods, I suppose one can take only so much idiocy. And it seems that Pagan women were the loudest and nastiest about it.

How can you say you support women when you want to tell them what they can't wear? What kind of sense is that? And how can you support other women in their struggle against misogynistic theocracy when you assume that they would reject their headcoverings? Some might, but would you really end your support if she wants to keep her veil?

No one has a right to tell a woman what to wear, or not wear. Period.

I want to wear my veil. I would never tell another person that they should. We are all free, under the Divine, to choose how we honor Them. I would never ever presume to tell another how they should go about it, and neither should anyone else.

What I want to end this post with, is simply this. Sisters, whatever you plan next, if anything, count me in. I want to help. I have fight in me, and if I can ease any burdens, I will. Friend me on Facebook, and I'm @QefatHethert on twitter.

I'm a veiled Kemetic pagan and Vodouisant, and I am not afraid.

Occupy My Future

I don't know why I'm writing this there, but this is my blog, so, I'm gonna do what I feel. And you know what I feel right now?

Angry.

Lost.

Disenchanted.

Motivated.

Ready to fucking FIGHT.

I don't mean violence, mind you. I am just so goddamn ready for a revolution. And yes, this is partly inspired by the eviction of Occupy Wall Street, and the ongoing bullshit with Occupy Oakland, and how this is just too fucking much to ignore.
At first, I sympathized. Part of me wanted to be there with them, camping out, remaking a world that is better. But the other part, the conditioned part, knew it was all a dream, the world just doesn't work that way, I need to do X Y and Z for myself.

You know what? X Y and Z are bullshit.

All that shit I have been taught, how to get along in the world, go to college, you'll earn more, get a job, any job, then look for a better one, work hard and your employer will reward you - it all either comes with huge fucking caveats, or are fucking lies. This country, this WORLD is run by people who tell you this stupid shit so they can make money off your back, when all you want to do is be happy.

I was turned down for a job because I didn't already have one. "Just get a job" is bullshit.

I have a college degree. I made minimum wage at my last job, and was fired for being sick.

I looked for better jobs when I was employed. I was told already having a job would cut into my availability, so they wouldn't hire me.

It's a rigged fucking game, and I'm ready to stand up and scream it the fuck down. We can't be expected to live this way! This is not the world I want to exist in, and I am sick to fucking DEATH of playing along with the status quo, pretending shit will turn around if I just keep applying for jobs that run on that goddamn game.

Right now, I'm going to work on a plan. I don't know what it is yet. I don't know what I'm going to do to get by, but it probably won't be pretty. I don't care. I want shit to change, and change NOW. This is not the world I was taught. And I will not accept the lie anymore. I want the truth, and I want justice, and I want a fucking chance.

Oh, you crazy Christian kids.

So, I saw a disturbing article on my sister Sobeq's twitter today, about some new vast prayer project aimed at "taking the country back" for christians, sponsored by our favorite Jesus freaks, the New Apostolic Reformation, and while they are against, well, everyone but themselves (because Mormons and Catholics aren't christian either), they are having pagans sit up and take notice. And responding back to pagans - with "blood-covered love." (I wish I was kidding about that quote)

Some of you might remember some rumblings over the NAR during our last American presidential election, mostly around Sarah Palin, our favorite witch hunter. It's a part of an over-arching ideal in some factions of American christian fundamentalism termed "dominionism," basically, "all your soulz are belong to us." It's a relatively new term, describing the political aspirations of far-right christians, but has been on the rise here in the US, as far as I can tell, since Ronald Reagan. The evangelical right is a minority, but a very noisy one, and very faithful to the polls - and they are masters of organization.

What made me want to write about this episode, particularly the "Forty Days of Light over D.C.", is partly the comment section of the first link to the Wild Hunt blog about it, and my own mixed-up feelings. I'm no stranger to the feelings of these kinds of people, who feel it is their duty to force their god's "love" on us, as well as their god's laws and spiritual dominion, to make sure we're "free" and "saved." I have always chaffed at this kind of "love", and know it does not really come from compassion, but from deep insecurities covered by a kind of haughty surety of their own "righteousness." I try to have my own compassion for them, but at the same time, know that there is really no talking to them. They are convinced I'm an emissary of the devil. Nothing I say would be considered for a moment.

I do worry that these nutters will gain political ground - for that, I vote. However, the mention of their prayers against their enemies and "pagan idols" such as Columbia (notice that D.C., to them, is the "District of Christ"), and ongoing commentary on the power of intent (even admitted to be a force by the NAR themselves - the irony is delicious), do make me pause and think. I fully believe in magic/heka. I employ it, I live it (as best I can), and I don't think it is limited to a few specialized hands. I believe it is a natural force - one that can be honed, specialized, and used more specifically and effectively by practiced people who have put the time and effort into it, yes; but a stick can be used to kill a person, not just a balanced sword. What can an organized group of wall-eyed praying foot-soldiers do, with enough directed intent/malice/misunderstanding, to disrupt a government that ensures my freedom? What would it take to counteract it?

I'm not sure.

Please understand, I dislike the whole notion of "spiritual warfare" as put forth by these neo-pentecostal types like the NAR. I don't think it's helpful to announce "we are against you, and our god(s) is(are) too!" I don't want to drag anyone, least of all myself, down to their level of "my god can beat up your god." (Though I do think I just heard Set snicker somewhere...)

However, in the interest of balance, ma'at, and well, concern for our country not getting any crazier, I do think I will try to save the date (11-11-11, oh, but magic is evil :P) and say a few prayers to Ma'at and perhaps the genius loci Columbia. It couldn't hurt, and it might help add a few feathers on the scale on the side of keeping my country free. Maybe my fellow American pagans/Kemetics/Vodouns can jump in as well - there are days for every state, and the one for the District of Columbia.

How you respond, and the level of it, is entirely up to you, but I think perhaps quietly, privately, and lovingly might be best. Maybe do what Jesus said, and go into your closet - because these guys are certainly ignoring that part of their book.

Souls have Skin?

I was pondering my life in the bath, as I am wont to do, and I recalled some weird episodes in my life, where my spirituality was questioned not because it wasn't christian, but because of the color of my skin. As bizarre as this sounds, it does happen, and I got this from mostly pagan people.

I will admit, there was a time in my life, as a fairly new practicing pagan, that I thought I should follow the ancient ways that my "blood kin" followed. This meant Welsh and Irish pagan beliefs. I did try. The art is gorgeous, yes - the stories interesting, the history just spotty enough to let a curious researcher really dig in and stay interested. But, for whatever reason, it didn't spark my soul. I just wasn't moved.

So I moved on. I wandered around many pagan paths, even kept a little bit of the Celtic stuff around for the sake of my ancestors. What ended up moving me and really reaching my core was radically different, and turned out to be taboo.

I even remember the moment. I was in a religious studies class on sacrifice at college, and we were watching Maya Deren's film, The Divine Horsemen: The Living Gods of Haiti. It's a black and white film, it's a documentary, so no putting on the soft lights to attract people - but all the same, I knew that was what I was looking for. Vodou, of all things! I found Deren's book by the same title, and any other book I could find on Vodou or any other Afro-Diasporic religion. I had found my home. At the same time, I was also interested in Kemetic Orthodoxy, another African religion, but that took a while longer.

But, as it turned out, not everyone thought what I had found was the best thing for me. Oh, I expected evangelical christians to hate my religion, I had been used to that for a while, starting with Stregheria. I didn't expect other pagans to object. It was by no means a consensus, but there were a few pagans who thought it was wrong of me to practice a "black religion" as a "white person." The strongest response along these lines did come from a christian, who said something to the effect of "why are you practicing that n***** religion? It's not enough that you're not christian, you have to go do THAT??" Very sad, indeed.

I don't buy this idea in some recon pagan circles that one is obligated to follow the gods of "their blood." If a pagan is happy honoring the gods of their ancient ancestors, and feels best identifying with their own ethnic spirituality, that's great. I don't object to anyone doing what their spirit honestly calls them to do. I just don't accept or like the idea that this is the way it must be. I even heard a person visiting New Orleans say they wouldn't go see Mambo Sallie Glassman, because she couldn't be a "real" priestess, she was white. Never you mind that she has been to Haiti and was initiated there by a Haitian houngan, and has every right in the world to call herself Mambo Sallie. To this person, the color of her skin determined her spiritual pedigree. That is all kinds of wrong.

Spirit has no skin color. Race doesn't even really exist, even by scientific and anthropological standards. And if you go back in your genetic ancestry far enough, you'll end up in Africa anyway (not to say everyone should worship African deities, my faith isn't for everyone either). Christianity is semetic, when you get down to it, but people of all backgrounds are christian - same goes for Islam, and to a lesser extent, Judaism. And I've seen plenty of white Hare Krishnas. When I'm in a ceremony, or at my shrine, I don't think of my skin color - I am my soul, and my soul happens to love Africa.

Of course, practicing African religions, ancestor veneration is part of what I do - I don't eschew my heritage because I feel called to honor the loa and netjeru. I am here and who I am today because of my ancestors, and my heritage does get recognition. I just don't worship Lugh and Rhiannon because my last name is Welsh. Of course, for my immediate ancestors, being southern and poor, soul food is an offering I make, which happens to be influenced by African people.

I love that I, and my culture, is a huge mix. Makes things interesting. And if more people looked past skin color, and saw the rainbows of true culture and background, maybe these racist ideas of "proper religion" would vanish.

I know, I'm a dreamer.

My final feelings on the drama.

Militants

Ok, I'm pissed off. I'm angry. I'm also tired of certain know-it-alls.

This time, it just happens to be militant atheists. The drama started, actually, with my post about the ancient astronaut people.

For the moment, I'm a member of an ex christian forum. I link my blog to my profile there. And suddenly, someone decided to tell me that my "silly beliefs" are no better than those of people who think aliens built the pyramids because they think modern cranes can't lift more than 5 tons.

Um, what?

Granted, I have odd beliefs, but none of them, none of them so plainly fly in the face of actual observable fact. Not like the ancient astronaut people. Clearly, most cranes can lift more than 5 tons. Moving blocks the size of those that built the pyramids has been replicated with copper age tools in the modern age. The claims of the ancient astronaut people are patently wrong. My claims are unobservable. Doesn't make for a good argument, true, but I'm not claiming anything that is obviously wrong. That would be stupid. Nor do I proselytize, so I don't see a reason to justify what I believe - but I'm asked, all the time, to "back up my claims." I don't make claims about my beliefs. I state my beliefs, and sometimes, share my experiences. 

This whole vendetta blew up into something I don't care to get into (but I was called mentally ill, so that was sweet), but I am seriously considering leaving the forum. It seems that if one leaves one religion, joining another is considered stupid and delusional. And I don't need that attitude. I don't need a fundamentalist of a different stripe.

It really appears that many I have encountered who have left fundamentalist christianity just carry their fundamentalist "I'm right and you're wrong" worldview into atheism. Anyone that browbeats me for not agreeing with them is not a person I need to be around. Both are ignorant and, frankly, complete assholes.

Just a thought to leave you all with - ex christian means no longer christian. It doesn't mean atheist.

ETA: I just want to say that I don't dislike atheists as a rule. I dislike militant people, no matter what they call themselves. That is the problem. 

I am Different.

I re-watched the movie X-Men last night, and it brought back a lot of memories for me. Around the same time as that movie hit the theaters, I was finding out things about myself that seemed to frighten people. I was learning things about other people, and how they were treated. Anything not "normal" was frightening and dangerous.

One can put on many lenses and see so many struggles in this movie (warning: no, I haven't read the comics, so don't get all up in my chex mix about it). At the time, I was finally accepting that I wasn't christian, and had never been, most likely. I was pretending, and what my soul was reaching for was far from what anyone around me understood. I knew some people would see me as dangerous, parents wouldn't want me to be their children's friends, the school I had just left might very well have run me out anyway, because several of the teachers would believe I had made a compact with the devil. I cried when I saw Xavier's school, because I thought a school for pagans (or simply any non-christian!) would be just amazing, an oasis in the terrifying deserted sameness of Alabama that I lived in, where if you didn't love with all your heart one of the three religions - Baptist, Methodist, or Football - you had to be corrected, or run out. Besides, Patrick Stewart as a headmaster? Win! *Geek squeak*

Of course, I identified with their basic otherness in my way. There are many kinds of "otherness", things that are more clearly unchangeable - being a different race, being gay, being left-handed, etc. I so clearly saw, in a later movie, when the government came up with a "cure" for being a mutant, the struggle of my LGBT friends. How churches and some "psychiatrists" wanted to "cure" them. Because they were "wrong." And, just like in the movie, I had the feeling that some (not all) of my friends would have taken that "cure", when they were still teens, struggling, and feeling like what their peers were saying was true - they were "wrong."

Some studies have shown that religious feeling is very much wired into our brains. If someone had found a way to "cure" my brain of its heathen ways and turn me into a good christian, would I have taken it? I could have avoided many screaming matches, much fear, a few visits from the police (called by a scared christian dorm mate) and some outright violence. Would my atheist friends have taken a way to be more like their "normal" peers? If atheism was the rule of the day, how many religious people, christian, muslim, pagan, buddhist, mystic, witch, shaman, vodouisant, would rip out that part of their brains, to avoid derision?

How far would some people go to avoid being different altogether?

But then, how many would stand up, raise their voices, and refuse to be labeled "wrong" for being outside of the norm? How big would the marches be to protest any "fix" for something that is only different, not wrong? The cry that, no matter how scared you are of us, we are people too - and sometimes, we're scared of you?

But perhaps not scared enough to be trodden down and made either subordinate, or "normal," whatever that is.

As Jimi said, "let your freak flag fly," and that's what I've chosen to do. And if I meet any mutants, I'll tell them the same.

Chats, Aliens, and Pyramids, oh my!

I kind of have a love-hate thing with yahoo chat. I love the opportunity to talk with many people from all over the world, I have had some good discussions, and dare say, made a few friends. I hate that it's so easy to be nasty, hateful, all big and badass from behind the keyboard, and while it increases opportunity for interesting discussion, it also increases the chances of talking with someone very ignorant or plain nuts.

Take the good with the bad, I suppose.

Today, something was brought up by another faceless name on a screen that irked me. Thing is, it wasn't the person who irked me so much, as the subject it devolved into. It's a particular pet peeve of mine, nearly always involving my beloved ancient Kemet. Ancient astronauts. Well, that's what the proponents of this "theory" call it, with such stunning academic backgrounds as a degree in sports information communications. They make shows, write books, and have people believing that beings from other planets created all kinds of ancient cultures. Because disparate cultures can't figure out that pyramid-shaped is a convenient building style for stone, or that the stars follow patterns, or figure out complex mathematics and calendars, because well, our ancestors were dumb as dirt, because they didn't have things like lattes or snuggies or Jersey Shore.

*breathes deeply for a moment*

As you can tell, this kind of thinking insults me. Are there mysteries from the ancient world we don't have a "conventional" explanation for? Sure there are. Isn't it fascinating to find out that there are some things the ancients had that we never anticipated? Very much so. What I don't buy is the jump to a conclusion that these things simply weren't possible by a culture in ancient times without visitors from space. It smacks of hubris, an assumption that without the European Enlightenment, we'd all be apes clubbing each other, so it must be aliens! I also notice that it's usually non-European cultures that get picked out for these "alien interventions," so it seems a tad racist.

We're not smarter than our ancestors. We have learned more about many things, but our brains are not significantly better, and large portions of our population, in certain ways, are dumber. Why is it so shocking that the ancients could build monuments and write calendars that related to celestial events? They didn't have television, I'm sure they looked at the night sky an awful lot.  Maybe they spent more time thinking, writing, computing, exploring, than the current world spends on facebook, twitter, and playing Angry Birds. (facebook and twitter can be used for good, don't get me wrong, but most of it is...ick.)

By no means am I saying that extraterrestrial life does not and cannot exist. I believe it most likely does. The universe is vast, and the chances of some other life form we don't know about not existing are pretty slim. We're still finding new life forms on our own planet. There is always more to learn, but some "theories" need to leave the stage. Aliens building the pyramids is just silly.

Who am I? Where the hell am I going?

I suppose I should address something of my spiritual past. It is part of who I am now, certainly, and would help explain where I'm coming from.

I am a former christian. Or maybe it's a failed christian. I wanted to believe. I desperately wanted to "feel saved", I wanted to know Jesus like everyone else seemed to. This came to a head when I attended a conservative christian school in junior high and part of high school. I wanted to fit in with the largely Baptist student body - and I wasn't even baptized. This became a sticking point, but I was just too damn honest to go and get dunked until I was convinced I was chosen and loved by Jesus. The only problem was, everything about Christianity felt like a huge, empty void. It felt like I was shouting into a canyon and all I heard was my own voice echoing back. Like I was thrusting a torch into a black hole and expecting a sun to shine out of it.

I wish I had consciously known all of this, that it simply was not the path for me, but I slogged on, even as it sapped my joy and sucked my soul out. I was taught the "sin in your heart" doctrine. Basically, it takes, among other parallel passages, the verse Matthew 5:28 to extremes. It states "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." It goes on to tell you to hack yourself to pieces if a part causes you to sin. Now, I was also told that there was also a passage in that stated if you hate someone, you have murdered them in your heart. To a hormonal teenager, I had suddenly been sinning every five minutes, whether in lust or anger! I felt helpless to stop sinning, I drove myself to madness trying to cleanse myself of these thought crimes I was committing against God himself. This culminated in me attempting suicide - if my own mind was the culprit to my sin, I might as well hang myself, and stop thinking. I couldn't just pluck out my eye or cut off my hand.

Obviously, I failed in my attempt, and I still tried to believe and be "good." It took an attempt of another student at the Christian school to grope me to wake me up. I was trained in Karate, and I did what I was conditioned to do when someone I did not want touching me did so - I beat him to the ground. For this, I was punished. The handsy boy? No punishment. I was asked to apologize to him. This is what finally shook my tenuous faith to the point where I did serious research. I wanted to know how Christians could act this way, how God would react. Instead, I found a god in Genesis who was capricious, jealous, and pretty much a dick to Eve. Genesis 3 convinced me I couldn't serve this god. He not only lied, he acknowledges this lie!

Genesis 3:² The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, ³ but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.' " 

⁴ "You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. ⁵ "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." 

So they eat. They make clothes. And they hide from El, for good reason. Because this is his reaction!

Genesis 3:²² And the LORD God said, "The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever." ²³ So the LORD God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken. ²⁴ After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life.

So, not only did they not die, like she said, on that day, he seems to be terrified that they will become more like him, find the other tree, and then be gods themselves.

I know the stock answers to all these problems - Adam and Eve "spiritually died", they were subject to death, they were naughty, blah blah, stuff and nonsense. What I saw was a capricious god who couldn't handle competition. Was he even really almighty, or just knew more than humans? Just had more power? 

This story, and my experiences that taught me was nothing to the Christian community anyway, led me out of Christianity. I still clung to a loose idea of the Abrahamic god for a while, in the form of the Baha'i faith. I left it shortly, but I often feel it was a necessary stop for me, since it offered an non-judgmental, loving idea of the Divine that I was missing. 

It was only when I discovered pagan beliefs that I really felt I was coming home. First, it was Stregheria, then Celtic Witchcraft, then I began mixing and matching ideas and symbols, since most of them were related anyway. In college, I was studying world religions, since it was basically my major. I found that there are so many common threads in religions that the idea that eclectic spirituality is not only just fine, but almost necessary for me - and this is after scoffing at eclectic pagans when I was in boarding school, first digging into Stregheria

These days, I keep a constantly morphing spiritual gumbo of meditation on Shiva, honoring of Ma'at and Hathor, veneration of Mary Magdalene and Joan of Arc, and Vodou worship of many loa, mostly Erzulie Dantor. Oya does offer occasional kicks in the ass, however. And I'm seeking Damballah's wisdom in this venture, to be sure. 

Where next? Stick around to see. Who knows what I'll see on my winding path, and if/when I pop out of the labyrinth, what I'll discover. I'll be just as surprised as you are.